Jack Bauer One-Liners
In honor of Sunday’s premier of the 8th season of 24, I’ve compiled this list of Jack Bauer one-liners from some online sources. Dammit, we are running out of time!
Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Jack Bauer.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it’s fucking beef.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
Jack Bauer’s vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, “Previously, on 24…”
It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
When Jack Bauer calls shotgun, he means it.
Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Every morning, Jack Bauer stares at a basket of kittens and electrocutes himself if he thinks of petting one.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Looks can only kill if Jack Bauer is looking at you.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: “Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day.”
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”… and “Best Eyes.”
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn’t be an accident.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”
Jack Bauer’s house has an alarm system — not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Jack Bauer doesn’t play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn’t around?
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria’s secret.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jack doesn’t believe in Murphy’s Law, only Bauer’s Law: “Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours.”
The bumper sticker on Jesus’s car reads, “WWJBD?”
Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests…. Jack Bauer doesn’t associate with anything that is #2.
If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
When Jack Bauer says, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore”, the statement must be loosely translated as, “I can still rip off your head, I just don’t know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time.”
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”
If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.
Jack Bauer doesn’t need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O’Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Life doesn’t give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
Jack Bauer doesn’t need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
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